Getting hitched to one’s lover can be the second most
fulfilling thing in a relationship, except of course you’re doing it for the
wrong reasons — which a lot of people do. So before you take that bold step and
jump the broom, check to see you don’t have a niggling doubt by considering
these worst reasons to get married.
“Someone else taking my finished product.” Also known as,
“If I don’t marry him, someone else will.” A lot of women — even independent
ones who don’t really need a man to carter to their needs — are of this
opinion. The need to hold on to what one considers a suitable catch and the
fear of being alone works hand in hand as knowing the man you’re currently
dating poses as a potential husband thereby saying ‘yes’ to a future
incompatible marriage. It also affects the guys when they realise their
girlfriends are considering potential suitors, they end up succumbing to a
marriage their heart isn’t really into.
The fear of being single. I had a friend once who kept
nagging that everyone around her was getting married. What broke the camel’s
back for her was when her younger cousin called to notify her of her engagement.
My dear friend called up an old fling who had shown little interest in her and
rekindled the relationship. Months later, they got hitched. The fear of not
wanting to be left out in the singledom has led many to accept a proposal,
forgetting that one can be married and still be alone as hundreds of couples
are stuck in unhappy marriages.
Ultimatum from your partner. I hear a lot of stories about
women especially threatening the end the relationship if their better half
doesn’t take it a notch higher by proposing. Some even indirectly tell their
spouse that they have to get married before a certain age. If there is anything
worse than being pressurised into getting married other than one’s fears and
insecurities, it is being pressurized by one’s partner. The reason alone that
your better half has to use emotional blackmail to get you to sign the
commitment contract is a huge sign that the marriage isn’t going to be a happy
one but will be filled with regret.
Settling. This is the ‘This is the best I can do’ syndrome.
The moment you realise this is a life-long affair and not leave room to
experiment with series of unsuitable partners, the better for you when you
eventually wait and find that one right person. Your life and heart are too
fragile to compromise hence you must be careful and sure of whom you choose to
spend the rest of your life with. Doesn’t mean you should become picky or have
unrealistic expectations from your relationship but just a simple call to think
twice before you plunge.
For financial reasons. Saying ‘yes’ with a list of pending
bills for your spouse to take over is one of the worst reasons to get married
because obviously your heart isn’t into the relationship. You are just
considering how easy life would become when the bills of taking care of parents
and sibling fees are shared between two people. House rents, school fees and
whatnot overshadowing your thoughts on what is best for you. Likewise, a lot of
people marry because they don’t want to be the poor wreck their parent’s were
or to have a better spending life — one they can live lavishly. These set of
people are likely to end up miserable at the end. Because over time you will
start evaluating everything little thing you do for the marriage in terms of
financial or material returns and this can lead to a torturous marital
existence.
Acceptance of responsibilities. The general consensus is
that once one gets married, they automatically drop the baby boy life and
become more serious and responsible. As true as this is, just being married
isn’t enough to change one’s entire behavior psychologically. It is like saying
you would marry someone hoping to change them in the relationship. Ask those
who have tried, it never works out- at least not a hundred percent.
Pressure from family and friends. Most times it is easier to
succumb to the pressure by announcing your impending marriage than have family,
relatives and friends remind you yearly that you aren’t getting any younger and
they need new generational offspring. And from survey and general opinions,
this still isn’t enough to get them off your back as once that announcement is
made, there would be a terrible scrutiny of what your partner’s family is like,
do they meet up to standard? Are they comfortable enough to bear the
responsibilities? Etc. and this gets worse when your heart isn’t into it in the
first place. Most importantly however, it would be unfair to put your partner
through something neither of you really want.
Pregnancy blues. A couple I know had been tagged
incompatible from the get go by their friends but were unrelenting — more from
the lady’s part — because age wasn’t on their side. To make matters worse, they
got pregnant and the next item was to get married. An unplanned pregnancy is
not even the worse part, using it to get married is just below the belt. It
might seem right at the time by your partner as to what to do next — even for
the unborn child — but the very fact that it is unplanned means that you are
not even ready to become spouses, much less parents. And even if you do get
married, the immense responsibilities of parenthood coming even before you have
fully learnt what it means to be married may prove too stressful for your
relationship. So even if a baby is on the way, there are several options you
can look at, which a trained therapist or social worker can guide you and your
partner through.
That time in my life. Choosing to get married because
biological clock is ticking away and you must have a family is a problem albeit
being a norm. It only means you are getting married for an egg/sperm provider
to be a caregiver of and not for love and companionship which are the basic
requirements of a marriage. As much as the society doesn’t condone single
parenting, options such as adoption is still a welcome idea if you really have
to have a child, if not wait it out and block your ears to what the society
says. It is about your life and not theirs.
It feels like the next step to take. So you have been dating
for so long- say 10 years- and you feel a sense of logic to propose because
that is just the right thing and the next step to take, I mean what else is
there to do? Being in an exclusive relationship for a while doesn’t exactly
equate to Googling wedding rings. Marriage is complex relationship with its
specific responsibilities and privileges and unless you feel that you and your
partner are not completely ready for those, it is much better to bide your
time.
culled: TheCable
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