These principles will help you both to manage disagreement without damaging your relationship.
Here they are:
1. Choose your battles
When your spouse brings up a potential problem, take a step back and ask yourself: What is the real problem here? Is my spouse justified in his/her opinion? Is this worth arguing? What will happen if I just let it go? What will happen if we try to hash this out right now? Is this a long-term problem? Is there a practical solution? Only engage with your spouse if you feel it’s necessary.
2. Proportionality
Applied to your marriage, proportionality means to avoid both overreaction and underreaction. Take the necessary time to evaluate the conflict, and only put in as much effort as the disagreement deserves to make your perspective known to your spouse. If you’re easily provoked or tend to absolutely freak out over insignificant things, work to get better.
3. Avoid unnecessary suffering
The next time you find yourself arguing with your spouse, don’t bring up 17 other side problems.If you feel attacked, it’s very easy to use irrelevant side annoyances as your own defense. Stop it. Be humble enough to deal only with what needs to be dealt with.
4. Distinction
Recognize that just because you disagree on a certain topic, it doesn’t mean your spouse’s more redeeming qualities cease to exist. You still love this person. Deal with issues as they come, but remember that mutual love is stronger and lasts longer than any argument.
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