Polyamory: 'Strange' Relationship That Allows You To Fall In Love With Many People At a Time

To some, polyamory means more than an open relationship -- it's about having multiple committed relationships. Billy Holder, left, and wife Melissa Holder, second from right, live with their partner Jeremy Mullins, right. Pictured with them is Amy Munowitz, a friend who also identifies as "poly"



As the concept of open relationships rises in pop culture and political debates, some polyamorous families see an opportunity to go public and fight stereotypes that polyamory is just swinging, cheating or kinky sex. It's not just a fling or a phase for them. It's an identity. They want to show that polyamory can be a viable alternative to monogamy, even for middle-class, suburban families with children, jobs and house notes.


"We're not trying to say that monogamy is bad," said Billy Holder, a 36-year-old carpenter who works at a university in Atlanta. "We're trying to promote the fact that everyone has a right to develop a relationship structure that works for them." He has a wife, Melissa, a daughter, and... Jeremy Mullins, couple's partner.
For the Holder-Mullins triad, polyamory is three adults living in the same home about 20 miles south of Atlanta, US. They share bills, housework and childcare for their 9-year-old daughter. They work at the same place, sharing carpooling duties so someone can see their daughter off to school each day.


Billy Holder doesn't stand out in a crowd, dressed in his jeans, T-shirt and wide-brimmed, sun-shielding hat. That's sort of the point, he said: to demonstrate that polyamorists, or polys, are just like anybody else. But, he's quick to add, "It takes a lot of work and it's not for everybody."
It's a common refrain from long-practicing polys. Jealousy among partners is one thing, but they also face or fear disapproval from neighbors, relatives and coworkers. The Holders and Mullins dealt with rejection from parents and one of Melissa Holder's sons when they revealed their relationship. They've also been the subject of a child welfare probe that ended in no charges being laid.
"We've been through it all," said 35-year-old Jeremy Mullins, a computer programmer.
The Holders and Mullins live together in a relationship structure often referred to as a triad

They're trying to promote public acceptance of polyamory. Someday, they want to challenge laws that criminalize adultery and cohabitation, Mullins said. "We want to promote the idea that any relationship is valid as long as it is a choice made by consenting adults," he said. "In this regard, and as in most things, promoting public acceptance is the first step."

It's an uphill battle. Many traditional marriage counselors and relationship therapists discourage non-monogamy, and in the absence of more research on the long-term effects of polyamory, modern science and academia hasn't reached a consensus on whether it's a healthy relationship structure.

'Polyamory doesn't work for everybody'

Followers define polyamory in many ways.
"Polyamory is the nonpossessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously," some say.

"Polyamory is not a swing club or group."

"Polyamory is not about recreational or promiscuous sex."

Otherwise, there are no universal rules for "how it works," one of the most common question polys say they hear, Holder said. The most common dynamic tends to start with a couple, married or unmarried, who might identify as straight, gay or bisexual. Guidelines are set within each relationship -- ideally, a negotiated framework of communication based on trust and honesty, he said.

Mark, a tall, bespectacled computer programmer, has been happily married to his wife, an electrical engineer, for more than a decade. They live alone and have no children, but they've been involved with two other couples with children for the past six years. Mark and his wife spend time with the adults and their children doing family-friendly activities but the adults also go out on dates, cuddle and more.

Polyamory is the practice of having multiple committed relationships, but "how it works" is for each person to decide with his or her partners. Ashley Tipton, left, and Janice Tatz live in the same home with their husbands, David Tipton, right, and Michael Tatz. They're an open quad with limitations -- they can't officially date someone or have relationships without the rest of the family vetting the person first

It's not cheating or swinging, he said, because everyone knows about other partners, whom Mark calls his girlfriends. There is a level of intimacy and emotional attachment that makes them more than friends with benefits or one-night stands, he said.

"I'm more involved in their lives and more aware of their inner thoughts or aspirations; I'm more involved in their long-term happiness," said Mark, who asked not to use his last name out of concern that he and his wife might face backlash from employers.

"It's like having a regular, monogamous relationship but having more than one of them."

It's unclear how many people identify as polyamorous because, like Mark and his wife, the majority aren't open about their relationships. Because of the varied forms these non-monogamous relationships take, it's difficult even to know who to include in such a count, demographers say.

While some scientists say monogamy is probably not humans' natural state, and is instead likely a social construct, many therapists say learning to control sexual impulses toward multiple people is a hallmark of emotional maturity.

More often than not, non-monogamy leads to the demise of relationships, psychotherapists say. Instead of focusing on the primary relationship, partners are turning to others for fulfillment. Even if non-monogamy is consensual, it's still a distraction from dealing with each other.

Eventually, t all goes back to choice. Non-monogamy is choosing to be with someone else instead of being attentive to your spouse when the relationship is troubled.
Couples can establish rules and parameters to limit jealousy, researchers say. However, practice shows those rules never end up working out for everyone.

A generation that has already grew up amid rising rates of divorce and premarital cohabitation is more accepting of alternatives to monogamy.
Many see this year's US Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage benefits as a sign that society is becoming more accepting of "other kinds of relationships".

Ashley Tipton met Alex, right, through the pagan community. The two hit it off and became more than friends, causing some jealousy among her family. They talked it through, leading to some of the limitations for the open quad

'The poster family for poly'

Billy and Melissa Holder met in 1997. They were seeing other people in monogamous relationships but Billy thought she was "funny and cool." They developed a monogamous relationship and married in 1999.

An open relationship first came up in discussion the next year, after cheating allegations against a relative rocked the family. They didn't know the term "polyamory" until years later, but already saw an opportunity to invite more people into their lives. Billy Holder had always believed that he was "different," that he wanted to date more than one person at a time, but he wanted to do it with his partner's knowledge and consent.


"We wanted to be able to be fully honest with each other and trust each other," he said. "One of us said something to the effect of 'Why cheat? If you find someone you are interested in, just talk to me about it.' We are adults, there is no reason we can't be honest with each other."

The Tipton-Tatz quad live together in Marietta, Georgia, with the Tiptons' three children -- ages 12, 7 and 5 -- and the Tatzes' infant son. The children are raised to call all the adults mom and dad and the adults share childcare duties for all four children


They decided they were free to date people they met at parties, as long as they told each other. They'd designate a night for going out with others, with a few straightforward rules: Be safe, be home by dawn and don't do anything I wouldn't do. Unprotected sex was off limits. If the relationship appeared to be progressing, they would talk about the need for introductions. If the new person had a partner, he or she needed to know, too.


It wasn't all bliss, especially in the beginning. Sometimes, Billy would "surprise" Melissa with stories of his exploits before she knew he was seeing someone, or he would bring someone home in the middle of the night.


Still, they continued, and formed their first triad in 2002 with a woman Billy met.
"We all relied on each other emotionally for support," Billy Holder said. "We didn't live together, but we were close, we were a unit. When we were together we did everything together."
They learned that polyamory takes a lot of negotiating to keep jealousy at bay. The Holders don't like the word "rule" because it sounds rigid, they said, but if there is a rule, it's "better to ask permission than forgiveness."


In April 2008, Billy met Jeremy Mullins through a mutual friend on a camping trip. Holder describes himself as "emotionally bisexual." He wasn't sexually attracted to Mullins, but found emotional intimacy with him.
Months later, Melissa met Mullins. The three bonded. Mullins became a regular fixture in the Holder home, making regular trips from Alabama to spend the weekend with them.


Still, it wasn't easy. Jeremy wanted more time alone with Melissa. If Melissa and Jeremy saw a movie on their date night that Billy wanted to see, he'd get upset. Jeremy felt like he wasn't experiencing the mundane aspects of family life, only the "highs and lows."

"The little things that we didn't talk about, they built up like a pressure cooker and we'd have a fight every six weeks or so," Billy said. "We realized we needed to do a better job of communicating what bothered us when it bothered us."

They fine-tuned their communication, and decided their future should include Jeremy, full-time. Billy Holder bought a 4,000-square foot foreclosure in Fayetteville, Georgia, where they moved in 2012. To ensure they don't run afoul of Georgia bigamy laws, they each have their own rooms, but often share beds at night.
Billy Holder and Mullins aren't sexually involved, except on occasions when all three are together, "but we are emotionally intimate and share everything on that level," Mullins said. "We share everything that any other couple would."


They're partners around the house, too. Billy is the cook. Jeremy and Melissa clean up. When Melissa grew tired of doing the laundry, she spoke up and they switched roles.


"I think we're a little too boring to be the poster family for poly," Billy said over a lunch of pizza at their home.
But being poly is nothing if not an ongoing work in progress. Melissa still gets annoyed when Jeremy leaves dirty plates in the sink, or when Billy goes on a tear over a new person he's met in a bout of what's commonly known in poly communities as "new relationship energy."


But now, she doesn't keep her frustrations to herself anymore.
"We talk early and often. Jealousy is usually fear dressed up as something else," she said.
In recent years, they've decided poly isn't an experiment -- it's a way of life. They wanted to create a close-to-home community where they could share and reflect on their experiences without being judged.

The Holders and Mullins moved into a home together in 2012, about two years into their triadic relationship. The 4,000-square foot home allows everybody more space; they each have their own bedrooms and often spend nights in different beds. Billy Holder continues to date others, as well


For some who were atheist, or practice paganism, being in a relationship with multiple people can seem even more unpalatable to people outside their religious or poly communities.


Jeremy Mullins, of the Holder-Mullins triad, was in the room for the discussion. He came out to his parents after he'd decided to move in with the Holders. His mother told him she feared for his soul, he said, and while he still speaks to his family, they have yet to meet the other people he considers family.
Holder's 9-year-old daughter seemed oblivious to what others might think. Her parents haven't offered her a detailed explanation about their physical relationship; they don't think it's age-appropriate. But Jeremy has been in their lives since she was 4 years old, so she sees him as part of the family, if not exactly a blood relation.


"We know we have to tell her one day, we're laying the groundwork now for what and how we're going to tell her," Billy said. "For now, we emphasize to her that we all love her and we're all here for her."
When asked, she said "poly" means multiple partners, "loving many people." "I'm happy because there's more people to ask when I have problems," she said.


Her view seems consistent with her age, sociologists say. In research and interviews with poly families, children ages 5 to 8 didn't seem to care about how the adults related to each other, so long as they were taken care of. Overall, they seemed to fare well as long as they lived in stable, loving homes. Living in a poly household didn't imply a child would prefer a poly lifestyle, researchers say.
So far, that seems to be the case with Melissa Holder's two sons from a previous relationship. The boys were 15 and 16 when the Holders sat them down and told them things were getting serious with Jeremy.
The younger son didn't take it well and moved in with relatives in Louisiana. Her older son, Sebastion, learned to live with the situation.


Sebastion tells friends that Jeremy is a roommate or a friend of his parents, he said, because people often see poly as swinging or polygamy. Same for the neighbors, at least until they get to know them better.


They've learned the need for discretion. They said a family member reported them to Georgia's Division of Family and Children Services, alleging child abuse and prompting a weeks-long investigation. The Holders said it ended with no charges being laid and their daughter remaining in the home.
After all, the Holders and Mullins say it's not a choice -- polyamory is an inherent part of their sexuality.
"Life would probably be easier if I didn't feel the need to open myself up to loving more than one person," Jeremy said. "But it's part of who I am, and I feel that my life is enriched by it. It's up to us to figure out how to make it work."

The most common relationship dynamic in polyamory begins with a couple, married or unmarried, who might identify as straight, homosexual or bisexual and branches out to relationships with others -- sometimes referred to as "metamors" or "polycules." Still, relationships can be fluid. When this photograph was taken in 2012, John Stewart, right, lived with girlfriend Adi Howell, second from left, and the couple was seeing the rest of the people pictured. None are now involved in intimate relationships, but they remain friends.

Bigamy: The practice of entering into a marriage while already married to another spouse. Bigamy laws are sometimes applied in cases when a person secretly marries a second spouse. 

Polygamy: The state or practice of being married to more than one person at the same time. Some fundamentalist Mormons continue to practice polygamy, known as plural marriage, wherein only men are allowed to marry multiple female partners. 

Polygamy was disavowed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in 1890.

Polyamory: The state or practice of having multiple romantic relationships at one time. Polyamorists say a tenet of the relationships -- romantic and/or physical -- is that all parties have full knowledge and have given consent. 

Polyfidelity: A word used in the polyamory community to describe romantic or sexual relationships that involve more than two people, but do not permit the members to seek additional outside partners -- at least, not without the approval of other members of the relationship 

Open relationship: Any relationship that is not sexually monogamous. An open relationship might allow sexual acts outside the relationship, but not loving or romantic relationships. 

Closed relationship: Any romantic relationship -- involving one other partner, or many -- which excludes sexual or romantic connections outside that relationship.

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