This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.
First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.
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When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.
When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.
Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.
Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.
The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?
The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.
The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.
If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.
The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.
These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.
In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.
ELNATHAN JOHN Daily Times
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real talk ...naija godsssss
ReplyDeleteohh God
ReplyDeleteUmmmm mouth professing worshippers! God deliver us all
ReplyDeletebefore you fk your gf say a prayer against accidental discharge
ReplyDeleteLord have mercy on whoever write this story.this joke was not funny.
ReplyDeleteGod have mercy. How can you talk about God like this? If u want to preach,do that. Lord have mercy on the writer. As for the last person that made comment, sick. Not everything is a joke.
ReplyDeleteThere is a difference between God and Nigerian god. Who does not deserves God's mercy.
ReplyDeleteIf we are not afraid to mis-use the name of God most high even in our churches and Mosques, how come do you expect this young man to write his article.
When even the so called pastors and preachers have ridicule God to a beggars with their constant begging for money and turned the their pulpit to political campaign stage, how will newspaper not turn to preacher.
I strongly this man has been able to present the truth the way he understands it best, if he were to be a man of God on the pulpit, he will preach better.
The Writer clearly differentiate the Most High Gideon from the so called Nigerian god and he is never talking about God rather his message is directed to the Nigerians who have turn the Most high God to a god.
ReplyDeleteIf this young man were to be one of the Nigerian preachers, he would have preached better than this. He has present the real fact about the hypocrisy of the most Nigerian worshipers and their so called religious leaders whose God is now money, fame and passion of this world. All in the name of worshipping God.
Why will you not not ask for mercy for the hypocrisy of the worshipers instead of condemning the writer in your heart.
Even if his article is not properly presented to your taste, remember God can use anybody to preach his raw truth when the church leaders have failed to do their duties of saying the truth
kudos to the writer. that is the exact kind of worship by nigerians. may God have mercy on nigeria
ReplyDeleteGod's mercies depend on hw mercifull U wnt Him 2 be on U. Do wot is rite en leave judgement 4 Him alone. Trying 2 judge others will only make U sick. Good day.
ReplyDeletethis writer is making a whole lot of sense. as religious as nigerians are i wonder sometimes why we have so many problems. this is the answer; we are religiously worhipping the nigerian god and not the God almighty. so much for being religious!
ReplyDeletewell written
ReplyDeleteWell written, nothing but the plain truth.
ReplyDeleteWhen you see some comments, you see this country is a joke...some Nigerians don't understand the use of scarcasim in an article...either that or some people are for the Nigerian God blindly
ReplyDeleteThat was well written and well directed to its target,let it go through them like a spear if they'll listen.
ReplyDeleteWell written and well directed to its targets,i hope it runs deep within them to discern.
ReplyDeleteAn EXCELLENT piece of Satire. EXCELLENT.
ReplyDeleteFor those criticizing this write up, what Mr. John did is called a Satire. Check out what that means, and you will know that he has not blasphemed or anything of that manner.
I had not laughed out so loudly and for such a long period as I did, yesterday, when I read it. I have just re-read it and must commend him for a great piece.
He spoke the simple truth. He referred to the Nigerian god (note the small 'g') and not God Almighty, the Jehovah, the King of Kings, the One and Only!
Mr. John, that was an excellent satirical work.
Well done.
Elnathan John, the new 'Peter Pan'
ReplyDeleteI strongly feel you create a link back to the original article. Just stating the name alone will not suffice.
ReplyDelete